I don't know what it is about being back in Waterloo. The conference was seriously so good. I'm still trying to figure out what God wanted me to receive from it but I really caught a glimpse of the kind of community God intends for his believers to live in. During our extended worship time on Saturday night, it seemed as though every thing that normally holds people apart, whether it's differences in culture, language, communication or even fear and judgment just disappeared. The Holy Spirit just poured himself into the room. It was so present that you couldn't walk in and deny it's presence. It was so powerful. Everything that would normally hold people back from worship, from prayer, from community seriously just disappeared. Strangers were offering prayer to each other, groups of people were praying and clinging onto the power of the Spirit, people all over the room were just worshipping and pouring out praise. It was so free and so joyful. It's so true in the Bible when it says, "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM!" People were just free to be themselves, free to express what was going on inside of them, free to pray, free to worship, free to ask for prayer and share and be in community. It makes me just realize how the things we put so much emphasis or care on in our daily lives, really don't matter. We fear what others may think, we fear we may say the wrong words or offend people, we fear that people don't actually care or love us. We fear we may cross the line between cultures and do something wrong, we fear that we may not understand others or they won't get us, we fear so many things but really, in God's family, in his kingdom, these things aren't there. We are free to worship and free to be ourselves completely knowing there is no judgment and that there is love and joy. It was really a great night.

Now i'm back in Waterloo and I dunno....I just want to be by myself, not see people, go to my cafes, journal and drink coffee....hahah is that normal? Maybe it's just my introverted self needing to re-energize myself. I'm coming from such an amazing weekend, I don't want to go back into my hole I was sort of in. I still don't think things are sorted out between God and I but i'm praying for more clarity. Maybe there has been but i'm not sure. I think I just need to learn to be patient. I say that i'm waiting on God but putting my own time expectations on it. That's not completely surrendering to God....still things I need to work on :/

anyway....this is a sick cover of Adele :P

i've been in a dry spot for awhile. i'm feeling tired and burnt out. i don't feel like i have what it takes and the prospect of graduation and beyond is daunting. i'm encouraged by a few verses i read this morning though.

Exodus 15:13
In Your unfailing love You will lead the people You have redeemed. In Your strength, You will guide them to Your holy dwelling.

by our own strength and in ourselves, it's difficult to make it through the hard times. for me, i just want to give up. i can't go on anymore. i'm tired and worn out. i don't know which way to go but i need to lean on God and his strength, seek his peace and comfort and know that i can make it through. he's carrying me.

Deuteronomy 8:2
Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

we're put in dry spouts for a reason. the israelites went through an amazing time of salvation, then they were taken into the desert before God led them into something greater and beyond their imagination. when we're in these dry spots, we need to remember God. he's testing us and disciplining us. what is on our hearts? are we desiring him above all else or are there other things that we worship more? it is in these tough times that we need to trust him more and focus on him more, knowing that God is building up our character and making us more aware of our desperate need for him. it's true that only he can satisfy. we can look for happiness and satisfaction in other things, but they are all always only temporary. we are fulfilled for a little while until we feel empty again. i'm in that spot. i need God to fill my emptiness and take that void out of me.

Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

God's got it under control. he loves you and has a plan for you that is better than anything you can plan for yourself. following Jesus will bring you into suffering. it clearly says that in the bible, but God is fighting for you. we can't focus on things that are happening to us. we need to focus on things that are happening for us. God won't give us more than we can handle and in everything we go through, he is right there beside us.

it's hard, it's tough, and it sucks to be feeling this way but i'm hanging onto the truth that there is something more. i know that there is more and i believe that you go through these periods for our good and discipline. it is in these times we discover more of who God is and what he wants for us. it is in these times that we realize our desperate need for God. and it is also in these times that God pours out his unfailing love and mercy and grace to us to draw us even closer to him.

for me, it's not even about what i'm doing after school anymore. school, graduation, applications, these things all seem so small. i need God to define my life, take complete control of my heart and fill me up till i'm overflowing. i need him to fill me with that unwavering passion and desire for him again.

i've taken to the gym for a break from things....i guess that's a good thing? it's actually true how you have more energy after exercising. or just feel better...it's those endorphins. i'm so tired these days. seriously burnt out but going to the gym makes me feel better. i can just run and sweat and not really have to think about anything :) my membership is going to end soon though...it's been super convenient but it doesn't make sense for me to continue. it's $40 a month and i won't be here for 2 months in the summer for sure so that's already $80. also, who knows where i'll be next year too....bah crazy how even small decisions like this depend on graduation. i've been getting very restless...just wanna know what's going on, what jesus is saying.......it's partly my fault cuz i feel like a part of me is giving up (partly from exhaustion) but also because it's just easier. i have to get out of this hole. i need to take time this week to just figure things out and then know that God will move at our conference this weekend

I think I'd like to disappear for just a day. Maybe a week. Haha I want to take a break from everything. A break from school, meetings, work, classes and all my commitments. I want time to just not do anything and figure myself out. I imagine myself just sitting and time standing still. If only we had a pause button on life. I just want to reenergize myself. Heal. Discover.

i need to buy better paintbrushes. the ones at the dollar store are seriously so bad. the hairs of the brushes always come off...they do have nice big canvases tho...or big enough. my goal for this term is still to paint something really big! although i have no idea what :P i painted a bit last night which was super relaxing...i haven't painted for so long...it's like i left it behind since elementary school. i love how 2 of my classes this term are so not the typical university course. it really opens up space to use your creativity and explore what may seem like everyday mundane things. i need to get my creative juices going again hahahha AND i discovered that uw has a photo studio! yessss!!!! bahahhaha i am so taking advantage! it'll be so sweet to process my own photos! anyway i came along this and thought it was so cute!

if you want it, come and get it

for crying out loud

this love He has given you was never in doubt

let go of your heart

let go of your head

feel it now

Wow. I can't believe it's 2012! It's the beginning of my last term. I'm scared like crazy but I want to make the most of my last term. I'm gonna give it my all in everything I do, whether in school, in KCF, in people whatever it is :) and I know God is gonna be moving like crazy. I just feel it! ^^ I need to be disciplined and make the most of every moment! One commitment I made for this last term is to surrender it to Jesus. I have no idea what I should be doing when I graduate or really any wisdom in deciding. I went to a conference this past break and one thing that stuck was that the fundamental in being a Christian is really to just follow Jesus. I decided for this term that I would give it all to Jesus and figure out really what it means to follow him. I'm going to commit to being active in prayer, in reading his word and being silent to listen to him. It's only been a few days but already it's been hard. I don't really know what to do and definately will need prayer in this but I really really believe that if I just trust God in this then everything else will fall into place. I trust that God will show me where he wants me next, wherever that may be, and despite my fear I need to say yes to him. I need to take more time to reflect on this past year, but in every risky situation where Jesus has called me and I've said yes, I've learned so much more of what his kingdom is supposed to be and even more of myself! I'm scared of the uncertainty, of letting go and having full faith in Jesus but I also believe that God wants the best for me and so whatever his plan is, it's greater than I could ever imagine or plan for myself!

What new years goals have you made for this year? I challenge you to commit to something hard and see Jesus working in your life :) hehe we can struggle and pray together! :P

also, now that I've written this, I am accountable :P